Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Thank you 🥹

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.