*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost