A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.