A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.