A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.