A comic by Dan Piraro
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.