A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
How did we not see this back then?
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
tinder is all about the long game
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream