A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Frankenstein?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore