Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

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plums roundup

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?