[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
Guantanamo Bae
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally