Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

rest in peas

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs