A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
