A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
That took me a moment.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.