A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
all that yoga finally paid off
“HELP WITH CAT”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
🙄😏😂🤣
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up