Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.