A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?