A completely valid reaction tbh
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.