A completely valid reaction tbh
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U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
there has never been a better use of this meme
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
In case you needed to hear it:
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.