A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.