A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
it’s finally my moment to shine
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Breaking news:
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I hope this email finds you in a well