Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Seems legit

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar