A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job