A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.