“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
(True)
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”