Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.