A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.