A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Me too door. Me too.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
#dnd #ttrpg
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)