A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
So glad we cleared that up
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Lol
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
#Caturday
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Boom, boom, ching!
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help