Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.