A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I told my vodka about you.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*