If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You Might Also Like
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.