A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Care for your back