A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Printer ink is expensive
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?