A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.