A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe