*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.