a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
You Might Also Like
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
This is my emotional support knife.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
seems fine
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries