Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

That was easy.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*