A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You Might Also Like
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.