Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Better luck next time champ

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me: