A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My ideal weight is five million dollars
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.