Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude