A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I put the I in Insufferable.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.