Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.