A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
British websites use biscuits.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)