A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
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I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks