Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?