a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
When your diet is finally over.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Can’t, holding a grudge
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.