Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.