Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.