A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
You Might Also Like
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog