*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.