A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
You Might Also Like
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.