A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Investing in beetcoin
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?