A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
cat vs inanimate object
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.