Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

The booster protects against what, now?

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.