@Jennabear32819: A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!
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@sonictyrant: [Invention of the milk shake] Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster
@XplodingUnicorn: 2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church* Me: She has a baby in her tummy. 2: *whispering* She ate it.
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog. THERAPIST: is this true? ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
@squirrel74wkgn: If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt...don't worry, I'm just chasing my dream.