ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.