you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.