A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.