A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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*frowns in Scottish*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.