Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Love this one 😂🧟

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.