A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
#Caturday
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.