Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.