A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone