A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.