A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Same pineapple, same
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.