Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

feetloaf

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.