A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
You Might Also Like
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
#winning
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still