A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I hope this email finds you in a well
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd