A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
*praying for world peace*
God:
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.