A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!